Rain
by Trent01
Summary: Just a foolish little foray into Yuki-san's mind and journal, as well as a little implied TxY.


Author's notes: Okay, I know, I know, cheapness and sappy-ness aside, there are a few other bits and pieces that I figure I should mention. When Yuki is writing in his journal and describing himself, he paints himself as a very un-prince-like figure, which, I'm sure a lot of people would notice, is also very _un_true. But remember: that's just how he sees himself. Personally, I don't really think that he means to act so much like a 'prince', but rather that that is simply how others perceive him. And again, of course, how we see ourselves is very rarely how others see us. (You know, like how we can't see the plums in our own rice ball backs, right? Or… um… something like that… Yeah…) Anyways, here it is.

It was a gray, rainy afternoon as Yuki sat staring idly out his room window. He had taken to spending most of his time up there, away from the rest of the household. _Away from her._ He was terrified of her now, ever since he had first noticed that perhaps… that just maybe… she loved _the cat. _Of course, even if he had any reason to think that maybe her feelings were for himself, he would probably be equally terrified, if not more so.

And so he sat, thinking. At first his thoughts were idle, but he knew that it wouldn't last, that it _couldn't _last. He could also vaguely recall a tune in his head, but he couldn't place any of the lyrics, or who the song belonged to. And then he remembered: it was a foreign band, and he had heard it when one of his classmates played it during their presentation. He had the tune stuck in his head, repeating, but as much as he tried, he just could not hear the end. He then decided to give up on the song, and to try and do something a little more productive.

He always felt incredibly stupid when writing in his diary, but he remembered something that Hatori had told him once, when he was young. He had said that it was good to get certain things out and that sometimes, when we don't have anyone to talk to, the only way to do that is to write them down. He knew that he certainly did not have anyone to talk to, and so writing was the only other option left to him.

"_I just don't know what to do in this situation. I suppose that's because I've never experienced anything like this before. I like her. A lot. Far too much, perhaps. And that's a problem. What am I supposed to do? She's… well, she's Honda-san: amazing, graceful, energetic, loving, caring, and that's not to mention any of the thousand other positive adjectives that could be used to describe her. To me, she is nothing short of angelic. Ah, but there I go again… allowing my feelings to become too strong. It's not proper, and given the circumstances, it's not appropriate either."_

He looked up and saw the raindrops gently rippling down the window. It seemed as though the rain was letting up a little.

"_And so what am I? I'm nothing like her, I suppose. In fact, I guess that I'm nothing at all. Except cursed. I'm cursed in many ways, the Zodiac being but one of them. I'm inadequate, and pathetic, and useless. I could never even dream of any kind of relationship because I simply lack the skills required. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I also can't love or be loved, because no one would want someone as inexperienced as I am. I don't know what I'm supposed to say, or how I'm supposed to act, or what I'm supposed to do. I do wonder sometimes though whether or not my total failure as a person stems from my curse, or whether I would have been such a shy, introverted and damaged boy regardless. I suppose it doesn't matter what the cause is, because the facts remain the same: I'm scared. I'm weak. And thus, I'm alone."_

One raindrop in particular caught his attention, because it shot off on it's own towards the left, and when he saw that, he instantly thought of the raindrop as being cursed. He couldn't help but think that the raindrop's path was like his own life: doomed to loneliness and failure right from the start because of something that he couldn't control. He noticed that just as it was about to fall off the edge, it was pulled back towards the right, and he began to think again about his own chaotic life. It seemed to be constantly twisting and turning and he thought of how out of control it all was, just like the raindrop's path. He decided, however, that he was being foolish and shook the thoughts from his head.

"_The only comfort I ever seem to have would be my impossible hopes and dreams. It's stupid, I know, for me to actually believe that I could be loved by another, especially someone like Tohru. But, of course, no matter how foolish I know it to be, I still do it. I tend to think that perhaps I'm not alone in wanting to be loved, and I like to believe that everyone wants to experience that in some form or another. But I don't know. I suppose it doesn't matter, since I feel no consolation or comfort from thinking that maybe I'm not alone in my isolation. The other members of the Zodiac must feel like this too, but they all seem so much better equipped to handle it. I'm just… I'm just so weak. I'm not like them. I can't live like this. I can't bear the thought of being so alone for my whole life. I hate myself far too much to want to spend all my life in isolation._

_And so I'm back where I started: wondering what I'm supposed to do. Part of me likes to pretend that I could just walk downstairs right now, find Tohru humming cutely in the kitchen, walk in behind her, and gently but passionately take her in my arms. She'd be surprised and spin around, but then when she sees me, we'd look deeply into each others eyes and she'll begin to blush slightly. I'll be calm and suave, and I'll whisper… um… something… to her, and she'll just smile serenely and press her head into my chest, and I'll just hold her. You know, like one of those bishounen boys in all the mangas: sophisticated, mysterious, gorgeous and confident. All the things that I can never be._

_Of course, in the stupid little manga that plays in my head, the fact that I would turn into a rat as soon as I put my arms around Tohru just doesn't come up, let alone the fact that I would be so nervous that I'd be shaking and sweating, and I would probably end up stuttering uncontrollably as soon as I tried to speak to her. Oh, and of course, there's the fact that I am neither mysterious nor alluring. I do look effeminate, I suppose, but certainly not in that attractive way that all the boys in the mangas do. I'm a rat, after all. How attractive can a rat possibly be?_

_And so, everything ends just the same as before: I wonder what I'm supposed to do, and then I end up daydreaming a little. When I eventually come back to my senses, I feel overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness, because I know that the answer to my question is simple, and will never change: I'm not supposed to do anything, because there's nothing that I can do. I am Yuki; the cursed, shy, scared and weak rat, and she's Tohru; the beautiful, compassionate and divine angel._

Suddenly, there was a quiet knocking at the door, and at first, Yuki was not even sure that he had heard anything at all. But then it happened again, not any louder, and certainly not for as long. It could only be one person, and he suddenly felt a twinge in the pit of his stomach.

"It- it's open." His voice sounded hoarse, undoubtedly from lack of use over the last few days. He had, after all, been spending most of his time in his room. Given everything that had happened at the main house, and between her and Kyo, what more could he have done? He was little more than a scared rat hiding away in his dark hole.

"Um… I- I hope I'm not disturbing you, Yuki-kun. I- I was wondering where you've been all afternoon." He could tell that she was fearful of having bothered him. He suddenly wished at that moment that he could just let it all pour out: the fear, the guilt, the sadness. But he knew he could never. Not to Tohru. She had her own problems, and he knew that she would add his to her own. He could never do that to her. He just smiled lightly at her, but behind it, there was nothing. Could she tell?

"It's no bother at all, Miss Honda. I… I've just been up here, jotting down some overly dramatic and poorly poetic nonsense." He continued to smile weakly at her as he suddenly felt incomprehensibly foolish for all the bad melodrama that he'd just written down. He also quickly and effortlessly closed his journal while trying not to draw attention to it. Somehow, when Tohru was near, nothing seemed quite as overwhelming or scary as before. He could feel safe around her. He could pretend that he was… loved. Almost.

"I brought you some tea, if you'd like?" She smiled gently at him, but unlike his, he could tell instantly that hers was genuine. She was holding a tray with two steaming cups on it, and he suddenly felt something that was as close to happiness as he could ever realistically hope for. He smiled back at her, but this time with feeling.

"Yes please, Miss Honda, thank you. Would you like to join me?"

"Hai!" She nodded vehemently and then proceeded to bring him his mug, which he took gently from her delicate hands. As she stood next to him, Yuki couldn't help but notice: she was cute. He suddenly felt guilty again, and turned on his chair to face the window. It was still raining. Tohru was staring idly out the window as well. He suddenly became aware of the silence, and felt overwhelmed with despair. He felt so much like she was slipping away, and like he was disappearing. He was going to speak, but just didn't know what to say. What could he say to her? He certainly didn't feel like idle chat.

"It's very peaceful up here." Tohru commented as she sipped her tea, breaking the silence and Yuki's fit of introspective paranoia.

"Sometimes." Was all that he could think to say, but when she just looked curiously at him, he felt compelled to say a little bit more. "It's just- I was- I was watching the raindrops, on the window." He saw her lean forward a little and swore that he could visibly see her change her focus from looking _through_ the window to looking _at_ it. He no longer thought that she was just cute: no, now she was adorable. Whatever resistance he may have had was rapidly diminishing. The fact was that he wanted to talk to her _so badly_, and her innocent cuteness just made it seem that much easier.

"You see, I would watch the raindrops and think of how they seemed to mirror my life. It's stupid, I know. I'm projecting things, and I suppose I'll see whatever I want to in them." He continued to explain, but noticed Tohru quickly spin around as he mentioned the last part.

"Oh no Yuki-kun! It's not stupid! It's very… it's very profound!" She tried so hard to cheer him up, and he could never have appreciated it more than he did at that moment. He smiled and was just about to say something light-hearted, but Tohru began to speak first. "I saw a raindrop just now too, and I also thought about how it was like Yuki-kun's life." He looked at her with extreme interest.

"It started out going straight down, like all raindrops do, but then it was suddenly pulled hard to the one side, and I thought about how that was sort of like the curse, and how the curse changed the course of your life. But then, as it was about to fall off the edge of the window, it turned around and went quickly in the other direction. That's like what you did too, Yuki-kun." She continued to speak, and he continued to be enraptured.

"Ho- how so?" were the only words he could form. It was as though she were reading it straight from the pages of his closed journal. Or perhaps from his soul? Was he that transparent?

"Well, the brave raindrop didn't want to go submissively down that path, so it decided to take another. It forged its own way ahead, and then when it got back to the middle it… oh! It's happening again!"

The two teens bent even closer to the window, and inadvertently, towards each other. At first all that Yuki could concentrate on was her and how close she was to him, but he forced himself to focus on the raindrop. It had, like many others, hit the window and started heading downward, but then, like only a few had done before, it veered steeply off to the left. Yuki thought that it would probably just slide off the edge of the window, only to be completely forgotten in a few moments time. Just like his life. But it didn't: like the few others, it turned at the very last second and shot off towards the right, all the while making its way steadily down the pane of glass. It would have perhaps continued off towards the right, and thus fallen off alone at the opposite edge of the window, had it not collided with another drop right in the centre. The two drops became one, and dribbled slowly and contentedly straight downward, joining all the others in the puddle at the bottom.

"And then when it got to the middle, it found the other raindrop that had been looking for it, and then the two lived happily ever after!" Tohru concluded her raindrop-reading session with her trademark goofy yet adorable grin, which Yuki couldn't help but smile back at. If she only knew.

"They lived happily ever after…" He repeated the clichéd sentiment softly to himself as he thought about what she had said. Initially, he had thought that the two different movements were external circumstances, beyond his control, and both of which condemned him to a lonely and early death. But Tohru had seen the second one as a conscious reaction to the first movement. A choice. A decision. Was his life really like that? Was it determined by how he _chose_ to react to the curse, rather than by the curse itself? He couldn't help but think about that, and about the choices that he had made. What if he made a different choice, for a change? What if he took a chance? Would he be rewarded, or destroyed? And did it even matter? All of these thoughts and a million others whirled inside of him as he sat staring out the window. Eternity passed in a few moments, and silence ruled again.

Suddenly, everything in his head went quiet, and he looked up at Tohru. She was looking out the window again while sipping slowly at her drink, but was also humming a soft tune. At first he didn't recognise it, but then, as she approached the end, he suddenly realised that it was the exact foreign tune that had been stuck in his head all day. As she approached the final stretch of the song, his memory just exploded with the final lyrics, and before he knew it, he had blurted them out. His only consolation was that, by some miraculous feat, he had managed to actually sing them in time and in tune with Tohru's humming.

"I wanna say 'I do'… I wanna say 'I do'… the question is… _Do you?_"

She just stared at him, and he at her. What had he said to her? Did she even hear him? Did she know that those were merely the lyrics to the song? _Were_ those merely the lyrics, or had they meant more to him? Did she even understand them, since they were in English? His mind was rushing again, but, once again, the chaos instantly disappeared as he noticed something change. She was blushing lightly. And she was smiling at him.

And she was nodding.


End file.
